Fatherless

Research has shown that a woman builds her feelings of self-worth largely from the relationship she has with her father. Her relationship with him, whether good, abusive, or non-existent, will influence all other relationships she has with men in future. It is a scary thing to know, in this age where men so often write themselves out of the picture. They abandon their children, or reject them, or deny even having fathered them in the first place. I weep for the women these girls might grow up to be - alone, with severe rejection issues, and possibly seeking love in all the wrong places.

Recently I started examining my own life. My own relational issues. And I realised how true all this is. Because of an intense feeling of rejection I experienced from my father, I struggle to experience or accept love. I can objectively see when people are expressing their love. Over the years I have learned as much. But I find it is hard to feel loved. I default to feeling rejected and unloved, at the smallest provocation. When people cancel plans with me, or even if they are late, it feels like a comment on our relationship or on my worth in their eyes. When friends don't have the time to comfort me in times that I feel myself sinking into depression, I feel that same rejection again. I find myself always alone, always having to carry this burden of life myself. 

When I realised that these feelings aren't rational, it didn't really help. You can know something is a lie and still struggle with it. When I realised the cause, it began to make a difference. But it also made me angry. To know that not only did I have to experience abandonment and rejection from one person, but that his actions have interfered with the rest of my life. I am angry at my father for all of this, and I wish I could speak to him to explain to him the harm he has caused me. But I know it will have no effect. It will not change the person he is. 

The only thing that I have learned I can do, is to lean deeper into my heavenly Father. One whom I had trouble relating to for so long - because Father was not a good word in  my vocabulary. But we humans often make the mistake of trying to label or judge our Father based on other humans, who are fallible and fallen. Our Father is so very faithful, and merciful, and abounding in love. He is unchanging through the ages. A Father who is always present, always listens, and always loves us. He loves each one of us with such a burning love that can never be extinguished. It took me little over 30 years to reach this place where I love my Abba more than any other person or thing, because for the first time I know I can trust Him with who I am and with what I have. There will never be rejection. He made me exactly this way and He delights in watching me grow and live. And all of this makes me let go of anger and blame. These are poisons that kill the one holding it, not the one who caused the pain. I imagine myself opening my hand slowly, and letting a wind blow it out of my hand, like a collection of broken leaves and dried flower petals and feathers. The wind lifts it without effort and removes it from me - far away. And I know it is the Spirit that helps me to release the burden.

Now I am no longer an orphan. My spirit cries out Abba and He answers. Now the rebuilding begins. To learn to love and to learn to accept love from others.

For all the women who have been abandoned or rejected or mistreated, you are so incredibly loved. You are beautiful and worthy to be loved. There is a Father that is so beyond our human frailties, who can love you like no other. He has patience stretching out over the horizon. His love is unfathomable. And He is yours. You can sit in His arms whenever. Never will He show you away, or be too busy. Never will he mistreat you or abandon you. I would urge you to run to Him, as fast as you can. Crawl if you must.

For all the earthly fathers out there, I beg you to realise what your actions can do to your children, especially your daughters. A harsh word or a hand lifted in anger can have devastating effects. Make time. Don't cancel your plans together. Don't brush off their small attempts to build a relationship with you. Don't wait until "their older". Now is the time; don't waste it.

Victorious

Victory can be painful. No one taught me this in school. Then winning meant joy and success and praise from others. But those victories meant nothing and didn't really accomplish anything in the larger scheme of life. And so perhaps that is why the result could be so terribly sweet; because it is so terribly short-lived and inconsequential.

When you get older, things change. Victory can bring with it pain. It will be bitter-sweet - not a crippling pain. But it has a little zing to it, an unmistakable prick to our souls. This isn't to say that we shouldn't strive for perfection. We must. We must always strive to be like our Father. Even when it hurts. Maybe especially for those kinds of victories that hurt. They mean the most.

I spoke to a dear friend recently, and we shared the experience of how you can suffer a complete collapse after a great victory. You fight for something so long, or you hold the darkness at bay. And one day, there is breakthrough. Miraculous and sweet. It's like the dawn after the longest night of terror. And then... a sudden, sinking depression. Something happens when all that stress suddenly vanishes and we get to lay down our swords and rest. I don't know if it's a spiritual type of PTSD, but that is the best description I could think of. It is a reaction to all the intense conflict and stress we experienced while fighting the good fight. While you are in the war zone, you don't even flinch - you hold your ground and you fight. But once the silence descends and the morning arrives, it is like your body is in shock from the sudden silence. Finally I understand poor old Elijah (1 Kings 19). And it can even be made worse when we feel that the victory we achieved was not good enough. Like a level you cleared in a game, but with just the minimum requirements met. You wish you could go back and do it over, better. But you can't.

The worse pain is when your victory alienates you from people close to you. Just because you choose the right path, doesn't mean that you will end at peace with everyone (Matthew 10:34-39). Usually it means that you will lose people and it will hurt. There will be peace inside you - always the Lord's peace will rain down like a soft healing balm. But some people will hate you for the choices you had to make. Or they will brand you a lost sheep and they will talk about you behind your back to fellow Christians. And you won't defend yourself - the Lord will defend you if there is a need. Let them talk. Great will be our reward one day when we are hated and reviled for His name's sake. Right now that might seem like little comfort, but more and more I am leaning on that. Knowing that my Lord is pleased with me, even if few on earth are. Knowing that He is smiling at me in approval and with such an amazing love in his eyes. When I see that in my mind's eye, no price is too high. All I want is to be closer. Always closer to the One who holds me in the palm of His hand.

Trust Your Journey

I think anyone over 25 (and sadly even some people younger than that) can testify that life doesn't always go the way we planned. We grow up with a picture in our head of what life is supposed to be like. There's a dream world we believe will become real with little more than age. Soon, we are disillusioned. Even poor Forest Gump's mom got it partly wrong -  life isn't even close to being like chocolate.

But this isn't a post to say life handed me lemons. The older I get, the more I begin to see how incredibly complex and faceted life is and how each little part fits into a whole. No part of it is random. Really. There are little things that I can see a purpose for now, when I remember thinking "WHY?" at the time.

I've read that no relationship was a waste if you learned something. And finally, a couple of years after my divorce, I can agree without bitterness. Some people teach you what love is not and even this can be a gift. I think a lot of women are stuck in relationships that are abusive or toxic, because they think that this is life and "he loves me". It's important to be able to rise above a situation and be able to say "this is not love". No person is perfect, to be sure. But some things are universally unacceptable I believe.

You get people that teach you what love is, or what it can be. This is of course the sweet part of life. Those little moments that make you pause and just bask... Because you didn't think they happened outside of the movies. Or at least not to someone like you.

There will also be people that teach you about yourself. When we subject ourselves to toxic relationships and situations, we tend to lose ourselves. Either in the wants or needs of the other person, or as a type of self-preservation technique - you hide away your innermost self to keep her safe. The problem becomes when you think that the creature of pain and regret is all that you are. You forget that there is a part of you that can still believe, and love, and laugh. It is a wondrous thing when you meet someone that helps you shake off the old times, helping you to molt them and emerge like a shiny new creation. And molt you must. Don't take that old skin and carry it inside you - that is death. Let out your true self again, to prosper.

If you are very lucky, you will come across a person who will help you to dream again. This I think is the hardest step of all. Because even though your old life is gone, the memories make it hard to be brave enough to dream a new dream. Like an abused animal, you look at an outstretched hand in suspicion. You've been fed a little before, but you've been beaten more often. It takes someone truly special to make you realise that it's all over and you are allowed to live again. I think that I am still in the middle of this process, but I am determined to overcome.

These people that have such a profound effect on you can be friends, or lovers. They are essential to your journey - little jewels along the way to who you are supposed to be. Luckier are we still if we get to take the precious ones with us, but we must learn to be grateful even if we can't. Each person will teach you something, and each lesson has value.

I won't say I'm grateful to the people that have hurt me. But I am grateful for the person I have become. She is so much better, wiser, stronger and more gracious that the girl I used to be. Welcome to my kitchen :)