Victorious

Victory can be painful. No one taught me this in school. Then winning meant joy and success and praise from others. But those victories meant nothing and didn't really accomplish anything in the larger scheme of life. And so perhaps that is why the result could be so terribly sweet; because it is so terribly short-lived and inconsequential.

When you get older, things change. Victory can bring with it pain. It will be bitter-sweet - not a crippling pain. But it has a little zing to it, an unmistakable prick to our souls. This isn't to say that we shouldn't strive for perfection. We must. We must always strive to be like our Father. Even when it hurts. Maybe especially for those kinds of victories that hurt. They mean the most.

I spoke to a dear friend recently, and we shared the experience of how you can suffer a complete collapse after a great victory. You fight for something so long, or you hold the darkness at bay. And one day, there is breakthrough. Miraculous and sweet. It's like the dawn after the longest night of terror. And then... a sudden, sinking depression. Something happens when all that stress suddenly vanishes and we get to lay down our swords and rest. I don't know if it's a spiritual type of PTSD, but that is the best description I could think of. It is a reaction to all the intense conflict and stress we experienced while fighting the good fight. While you are in the war zone, you don't even flinch - you hold your ground and you fight. But once the silence descends and the morning arrives, it is like your body is in shock from the sudden silence. Finally I understand poor old Elijah (1 Kings 19). And it can even be made worse when we feel that the victory we achieved was not good enough. Like a level you cleared in a game, but with just the minimum requirements met. You wish you could go back and do it over, better. But you can't.

The worse pain is when your victory alienates you from people close to you. Just because you choose the right path, doesn't mean that you will end at peace with everyone (Matthew 10:34-39). Usually it means that you will lose people and it will hurt. There will be peace inside you - always the Lord's peace will rain down like a soft healing balm. But some people will hate you for the choices you had to make. Or they will brand you a lost sheep and they will talk about you behind your back to fellow Christians. And you won't defend yourself - the Lord will defend you if there is a need. Let them talk. Great will be our reward one day when we are hated and reviled for His name's sake. Right now that might seem like little comfort, but more and more I am leaning on that. Knowing that my Lord is pleased with me, even if few on earth are. Knowing that He is smiling at me in approval and with such an amazing love in his eyes. When I see that in my mind's eye, no price is too high. All I want is to be closer. Always closer to the One who holds me in the palm of His hand.